I used to think that...
Being indifferent is something despicable.
Giving up is the notion a coward holds.
But to stand up relentless against all odds, to be overly obsessed with wins and losses, how ever steady is a wall, would one day be crumbled by a sheer drop of rain, or just a breath of wind.
Is there a equilibrium point? Nah... day transitions into night through evening (or vice versa), black is the nuance of white itself (or vice versa) - Absoluteness is relative. Where is the perfectly middle line? Only exist in the presumably isolated dimension. So in what dimension are we?
A dimension of ambiguity. A universe of relativity. A universe within universe - the indivisibility of a particle.
So are these all about philosophy or science? No. Absolutely no. Who am I to explain all these self-contradictory theories? I am born to live, and I , at the bottom of my heart, want to live to the fullest. It's something absolute for me. Long time ago, I'd assume that what was general was surely impeccable, a perfection. With all the little confidence that's left in me, I couldn't even resist the orthodox. I cloned people's views and squeezed them into my own, like a child forcing a square block into a round slot. Then, judgement ensued. My own judgement in which I tailored all my thoughts on the ground of people's measures - I became a hypocrite to myself, contradicting myself while thinking i was dignified at being same as everyone else. No one would think I am eccentric, or deviant, or a weirdo. No one would throw me a contemptuous glance. How nice was that! However, time proved me wrong, very wrong indeed: I have lost myself. I see millions of people with my own eyes, but have seldom spared some time to look at myself . To include everyone into my daily lives but not myself, it's so paradoxical. My entity has become questionable. I don't even feel farmiliar with the face I see when standing in front of mirror.
Why?
Well, I guess Jon, you know the answer. I know the answer, too.
For me, the answer is absolute. Because it's my own view. I have faith in it, and faith in Jon's.
To my pleasure, I knew that someone understands. It's well enough for me. It offers more than I have bargained for. However, a subtle feeling would sometimes arise that I fear that I've put faith in wrong person. Some sort of subconciousness. Nevertheless, I want to say here that I am not investing my trust on people I like. Now, I just feel comfortable to trust whom I should trust. Jon, if you are reading this, I will honestly tell you that I want you to be happy to have read this. Just feel like doing it. Nothing ghey here and nothing flattery.
Until then, I have somehow changed my attitude in my college ( If anyone has read my posts about college life before). I am OK with it - That's enough. Being occasionally reflective on some deep stuffs while in college, I would just shrug it off - That's enough. Having burdened with all the current pressures of homeworks and tests - That's definitely enough. Just let it be, life's too short to cry over the spilt milk.